Anatomy · of · a · Ghost

It's been a long time since I've written anything here.
I have been super busy the past few weeks which have turned into months.

I am working in SoHo at NY Arts Magazine... and I have my work cut out for me, but I really enjoy the job even if I'm not getting paid that much. And I still have one internship in Park Slope once a week. I love being in NYC except for the 4 hour a day commute that I have been doing.

For Halloween I was an astronaut and went to watch the Halloween Parade on 6th ave.
On November 1st, I went to a costume party in Brooklyn as a person wearing a bird mask?! Something like that... I was a bit lazy.

I really need a nap.

I voted for Obama and then I rejoiced with the rest of the world... the world being people who weren't my parents because they voted Republican.

Today I found out that I need a root canal. Apparently part of a filling I have is missing and has made my tooth become infected. Basically, I want pain meds. And I want them now.

Last night Steve and I went to go see the Decemberists at Terminal 5. It was amazing!

I've come to the conclusion that I want a munchkin cat. They are well worth the google search.

8 interviews and now I have two internships and 1 job as a webdesigner/jr. designer for NY Arts magazine.
I will be in NYC 5/7 days of the week.

I want a cupcake.

Writing this from the train on the way back to hillsborough. I have 1 bar left of battery so we'll see if this was a bad idea.
Its been so long since I've been on my computer really.

Today was the first real day of my internship/photo assistant position in bushwick. Rafael took me with him to workman publishers for a meeting about shooting the photos for the next Generation T book by megan nicolay. I learned a cool magic trick and got a free book. It was pretty awesome in every regard.
Dancer universe is a magazine that wants to hire me.

I have an interview at a graphic design place in edison tomorrow morning... actually in 8 hours. I really hope I get that job and am able to keep this internship. I love getting this photography experience. Additionally, it would be so great if I got a salary. But that whole idea makes me feel so old.
And lastly there's another photographer who wants to interview me about being her assistant.

I'm fucking happy to be getting away from home and being in NYC again. But I know that this is likely to change quite quickly once the weather turns.

Steve and I met his friend rachael on broome street tonight at a bar that from the outside looks like a closed chinese healthcare/food store. We heard 3rd people read some great exerpts and short stories and saw Moby and his band The Little Death play. Seriously a great time and it was free.

Side note.
I can't tell if this guy across the isle is taking photos of me or just playing a game on his cell phone.
Really im begining to get paranoid as to why people have been photographing me recently.

There was a photographer documenting the night and she kept taking pictures of us... it was interesting. I felt strangely important.

Im currently waiting in a starbucks for 2 o'clock to roll around and my first interview of the day. I feel like I've exhausted most of new jersey when it comes to design jobs. I've sent my portfolio into most firms by now. I have to check back in with a few. Over the last week I have applied to 30+ entry level/jr designer/internship/assistant positions in design and photography in nyc. And so begins my interviews.
Seemingly surprisingly I am not nervous at all for any interviews.
I feel like a bum. Its quite unsettling for me to be in nyc and know that I don't have a 'permanant' home/place here.
The first interview is next to steve's dorm... which I have spent quite a bit of time at recently. I have been camping out on karol's floor with my sleeping bag and sharing steve's standard issue dorm bed in his majorly less than standard issue dorm room space for the past few days. So far so good, but really, I feel out of place. Last weekend was marissa's futon and karol's floor. Im begining to feel like a nuiscance. Le sigh.
So if all goes well, then I will have the joy of commuting from NJ to wherever NYC. Maybe then I'll actually use my video ipod for videos and movies.
So what was most likely but hopefully not my last 'real' summer was pretty awesome in total. I couldn't have asked for more except maybe a job.

whirlwind of a week or so. quite a joyful blur.

dad turns 70 soon.
fall coming early is really messing with me pain wise.
the Olympics are always entertaining
my brother turned 23
my knee is almost healed from my battle with highland park
i'm psyched about getting a flying carpet!
i have a lot of work to do... and there's a lot of work i want to do
absinth is still a mystery to me, but i like it that way

in about a week or so almost everyone is crossing the river or the country to another chapter
im still getting used to the fact that i am not amongst those who will be returning to new york to live.
and this feeling is becoming more of a realization. i just miss city life.

i have been pleasantly surprised
the night sky has been pretty amazing
i have been amazed
and actually, i think that was the best surprise of all

so my sidekick 3 decided to swing open nonstop today... in almost a complete circle which means its busted to hell. my screen was only half showing up at times... which is super awkward. sometimes the screen would just go all gray but i could still tell what i was doing because of the sound. it has been lagging often and basically i have gown sick of its "quirks" and now hate them. but really what pushed me over the edge is that instead of just swinging open (180 degrees) it now swings in almost a full 360 degrees which is really not supposed to happen. the sidekick 3 was never meant to look or act as a windmill.
i bought the new sidekick 2008 today and its wonderful. seriously a great phone. its thin, light, has cute sounds, changable skins that are awesome and it was less than half of what i paid for my sidekick 3 brand new.

i still need to photograph my car. i really need to clean it. ashes and sand still from the beach everywhere...

looking for jobs has begun and its already a struggle. this really isnt the best economy for hiring people for photography and design ESPECIALLY when trying to find these types of jobs in the state of new jersey. if i were looking more into new york then things would be a lot easier.

august has begun and now things will change all over again, except for once i'm not really changing anything. i'm back at home and this is where you can find me until further notice. socially i think things will get interesting now, but im not quite sure if its an interesting that i like and want or an interesting that results in me staying home or just bored out of my mind.

there's always so much to do.
i want o make some more books

Things are
Going. Smoothly? Surely?

Thursday I went to the bodies exhibit in the south street seaport for the fifth time. Its still awesome and will continue to be if I ever go see if again.

And everytime I go to the city I miss it. Little pieces of it really strike me and as a result pull on my heartstrings that lead me back to brooklyn. As if all I see or do (while in new york city) points back to the idea and hope that I belong in brooklyn.

At the same time I am constantly reminded of how my home, my house in new jersey is awesome. I appreciate my bathroom (especially after visit the philippines again, I totally love my bathroom) so much more.

I enjoy the smell of fire, but I greatly dislike smoke in my face for extended periods of time.
My love affair with marshmellows, specifically ones toasted golden brown from an open fire, has grown emensly over the last week or so.

In other news the twins haven't left their cozy dwelling inside my sister yet and they have been identified as twin girls.

When asked when the last time I had been broken up with or dumped, I really couldn't think of it.
This is the longest I have been single in years.

I am quite pleased and quite content.

my brother and i took pictures of each other with Hard Gay and Darth Vador at the philippine toy convention.
my other brother, my mom, my uncles, and i went to an amazing transvestite/drag queen dance show at club mwah.
saturday night we went clubbing until 6am. my cousin was so proud that she went clubbing until the sun came up... with her family.
tomorrow morning i have a manicure/pedicure appointment with my mom.
tomorrow night i'm learning how to use firearms with my dad.
wednesday i'm going to a trashy game show. wowowee! this is thanks to my aunt who works in television/movies.

basically, finding my roots is pretty awesome.

and i'm thinking about the end
what begins at endings. when do endings start. when does the end of this start...
what i've decided to end
how i've decided to end it, what ends can one control...

and who comes at the end. who comes after the end.
things that will also end. at the end.
who comes only because it's ending.
who will be the reason for the end.
who will change everything at the end. who will change because it's ending.
the end of the ending.
the ending of all endings.

and in the end, i hope you know.

i'm feeling like a bitter old woman right now. can't really tell why either. maybe i'm not really feeling old. but i'm feeling a bit bitter.

easily, i could stay here longer. realistically i cannot, because my classes start soon. i dont really want to say goodbye to my family now. i'm happy i'm going to spend some time with my brothers this weekend.

punta fuego was amazing. it's a place where you can escape everything. while looking at the ocean when the sun goes down with the sound of geckos and the clouds changing hues before your eyes... it's as if you're looking at the end of the earth. the edge. actually everything my uncles have shown me during my stay here has been amazing. amazingly beautiful. amazingly fun. amazingly perfect.

i suppose that i'm being selfish, self-centered, in hoping, wishing, and wanting this hiatus from my american life to continue. it feels somewhat wrong of me to hope that time slows down. to hope that it would pause.

finding filipino artists and designers has really made me happy. totally inspiring.

puerto galera was lots of fun, but home to the worst bathrooms i have ever encountered in my entire life. we went on a trip around around the island to get to another beach... the sun sinking beyond the calm pacific was amazing with the horizon dotted with more of the philippines.
while at mikko's bar in white beach, puerto galera... a whole group of people decided to take pictures of me/with me. some were locals, some were from indonesia, korea, the states. and i have gotten used to having my picture taken while out with my uncles and their friends. their friend adam is quite the dancer... and many people take pictures of him/the whole group whenever we're on the floor.

a toyota car sales man from manila tried to ask me for a date or whatever...
i said, i drive a cadillac.
he didn't have much to say after that. but he did give me his card which i gave to someone else because i didn't have pockets.

i have about one week left before its back to the states and hello jet lag!
hopefully we'll make it to punta fuego. my mom wants to go to subic bay, but i don't feel like there's much to see there. i wish we could stay longer. i'd love to go to palawan.

as a female bonding experience plus my brother, we got facials today. don't be fooled... facials are somewhat painful.

and in the car my brother and i bonded over cartoons and toys.

today... every time i asked for less or just one, i got 2 or extra whatever it was. thanks english!
also, my biological mother told the waiters that me and my brother are twins.... granted we're considered irish twins bc we're within 1 year apart. exactly 11 months. but we are in no way, shape, or form twins. it's almost difficult to say that we are related.

also i find it ridiculous when i am asked if i want to go to some random catholic church to pray. my response was... i have only been to church about 15 times during my entire life. my mom replied to me... you're lucky you have that! some people haven't gone at all!
as if it makes any difference at all. hi mom. we're not catholic.

in other news, i'm a bit annoyed. i'm growing tired of being expected to be a spy for whichever team.
there shouldn't be crying at breakfast.
i don't understand why you can't just accept the fact. there are other types of love. there are some things that will never be understood by others.

i'm not as naive as you think... no matter what you think.

bug bites are healing. as is my foot.
the internet seems to have brown outs here.
i'm still afraid of cockroaches.
i can't get enough of maiz con hielo. futhermore, i'm getting obsessed with corn. sweet corn actually.
the celtics better win.
i love killing mosquitos with electrified tennis rackets.
there is little to no sympathy for those in the american north east who are "suffering" in 100 degree weather. there isn't any sympathy here at least.
macupuno balls are addictive, and i am addicted.
snuff is good.

i've been tired all day.
i don't exactly want to deal with anything.
i feel like i could really stay here longer... the idea of not returning keeps lingering in my head.
i'm missing the wrong things. i can't seem to help it... falling back into comforting memories.

but i do want to see everyone again.

i can't meet your needs.

i'm totally allergic to the homeland. or at least my skin is pretty upset with my being here... adjusting to the pollution, dirt, insects, food... i've been on benadryl the entire trip.
i'm leaving for puerta gallera tomorrow morning.
punta fuego later sometime next week.
i wish i had my own room here... because my mom goes to sleep so early.
we ate dinner at this restaurant next to festival mall... which was on the 31st floor. i was scared of heights! whoever designed this building was sadistic and crazy. in the middle of the hotel you can see straight down 31 floors.

people's park in tagaytay is a trap... a tourist trap filled with vultures. don't trust the men and vendors there. a very shady place... at least when we were there yesterday.

in front of 5 other men, this quite large park official cowered in fear after attempting to charge us for parking there. we didn't end up leaving the car because there were just too many vendors/men around. even after we said that no, we dont want to rent horses or buy coconuts from them... they didn't leave us. hovered around our car while we debated on whether or not we should take the walk to see the view of taal lake and taal volcano. deeming the situation totally unsafe... we returned to the car and left.

basically after giving my mothers a hard time about paying the fee of parking in this park i interupted. i asked what exactly was going on, i knew he was trying to make us pay but i didn't understand the issue. he said but you were in the park, you must pay. this is a government park and we charge in order to take care of the park.

then i said... are you fucking kidding me? you want us to pay you for fearing for our safety? we didn't even leave the fucking car because there's so many fucking vendors and vultures over there. if this a government park what exactly are you protecting? it's not the people who come here. we're leaving now and we're not fucking paying you anything. this park is a fucking joke.

and this big guy suddenly looked very scared and said ...oh, okay. sorry ma'am go ahead. and the 5 other gaurds/workers behind him just stared at me. 125 lbs of assertive and utter discontent speaking perfect english. times like this, is when english is really great around here.